Here's The Plan To Save This Year's Bachelor From Becoming A Dumpster Fire

2 min read

How does Botox at g-force sound?

Smart, bumbling and occasionally shy – this year’s unassuming Bachelor, Matt Agnew, has drawn praise from Aussie audiences still healing from Honey Badger and his goddamn failure to commit.

But there are several long weeks ahead, and Matt's going to have to shake things up if audiences are to stick around.

So, here are a few things that must happen this season to keep us entertained.

1. Shoot a contestant (in full evening wear) into orbit.

Matt Agnew has publicly stated that his one wish before he dies is to go into space. Did someone say single date idea?

'Cause if I have to endure another aerial shot of the Sydney Harbour with someone mewing about “how gorjus” it looks while being felt-up by the Bachelor, I’ll vomit.

So why not shoot them into space instead?

That way, Matt achieves his dreams, and we all get to see how Botox fares at g-force. Win!

2. Turn the entire series into a 14 episode 'Whodunnit'.

Seriously. Where the f**k did Vakoo go? Has she travelled to Paris to stomp the catwalks for Dior and Louis Vuitton like we all hope? Or did Emma murder her while screaming, “I’m not a bitch! I’m not a bitch! I’m not a bitch!” (Most likely option). 

Either way, we need to find out. So I think it’s high time our Bachelor channels his inner Benedict Cumberbatch and Sherlocks' the s**t out of this season.

P.S. He suspects it was Rachael, with the candlestick, beside the pool.

P.P.S. Turns out there was actually a fairly gross reason behind her absence, but we still want a round of Cluedo.

3. Fulfil the kinky fanfic moment we’ve all been praying for.

Sex sells, and we’ve all heard the rumour that Matt Agnew “beds” someone during this season of the show.

First of all, big whoop-dee-doo. Didn’t we all suspect that was happening anyway?

Secondly, no one is saying who exactly Matt is supposed to have slept with, or even if this person is a contestant.

Could fans finally get the Osher/Bachelor hook up they’ve been rooting for (all puns intended) this whole time?

I understand Osher is married, and I get that The Bachelor is technically “light entertainment” but it’s 2019.

It’s time for Brokebachelor Mountain.

Image: The Bachelor / Channel 10 / Giphy

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Written By Tegan Higginbotham

"There’s no question they’re together.”

"She is a manipulator and it is time I tell her how it is."